


"Laverne & Shirley": Season 5.5

by amythis



Category: Laverne & Shirley (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:08:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22017646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amythis/pseuds/amythis
Summary: Notes on the season that never was.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	1. Breakdown of the Episodes

**Author's Note:**

> At the time of the Screen Actors Guild Strike in the summer of 1980, a whole season of _Laverne & Shirley_ episodes had been written and in some cases guest stars had been cast. However, these episodes were never shot, and when the series came back in November for Season Six, it was with a completely different batch of episodes, set in 1964-65. These recently excavated notes, taken from an abandoned warehouse at Paramount Studio, provide glimpses of the season that never was.

Episode One, "Laverne & Shirley & Joanie": The sixth-season premiere would've been the second part of a two-parter following the (also scrapped) _Happy Days_ eighth-season premiere, "Standing Her Ground and Getting Grounded," where Joanie's parents refuse to believe her excuse for breaking curfew with Chachi. That episode ended with Howard and Marion reading Joanie's note saying she's run away. We find out at the opening of this episode that she's run to the other end of Milwaukee to seek shelter from Laverne and Shirley. The girls reluctantly take the teen in but soon find that three's a crowd. They try to reconcile her with her parents, but it's actually Lenny and Squiggy who convince her to go home, by telling her stories about their parents. Guest-starring Erin Moran as Joanie of course. Sample dialogue—  
SHIRLEY: (after Laverne has given Joanie advice about hickeys) Laverne, you're a bad influence on that girl.  
JOANIE: Isn't it great?

Episode Two, "A Twist of Fate": Carmine has the chance to be in a Twist movie with Chubby Checker (who would've appeared as himself), but when Carmine twists his ankle, the gang decides to disguise Squiggy as Carmine in order to audition in Chicago and secure the role for Carmine. Attached are test shots of David L. Lander dressed as Carmine, and Lander was slated to sing "Rags to Riches" and of course dance. Sample dialogue—  
SQUIGGY: (in his Carmine costume) So, Shirl, seein' as I'm your boyfriend now, maybe you should try treatin' me like the Big Ragoo.  
SHIRLEY: Fine, go take a cold shower.

Episode Three, "Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bum": It's October 1962 and Laverne is scared that the Cuban Missile Crisis is going to lead to nuclear war. Even though things turn out all right, she doesn't want to die a virgin, so she arranges to seduce Lenny in Big Rosie Greenbaum (Carole Ita White)'s bomb shelter. He's tempted but can't go through with it, for a surprising reason. Sample dialogue—  
LAVERNE: Len, aren't you scared of the hideous mutations?  
SQUIGGY: (opening the supposedly secure bomb shelter door) Hello.  
[The full script is attached in the next document.]

Episode Four, "A Monumental Error": When an unscrupulous landlord (Joe Regalbuto) offers Edna a tidy sum for the apartment building, which he plans to demolish to put up a luxury high-rise condominium, Laverne and Shirley, with the help of Lenny and Squiggy, create false documents that make it seem like the building is of historic significance. It looks like the gang is going to be evicted anyway, since their building will be turned into a museum. Then an old Milwaukee resident (Pat Cranshaw) reveals the truth about the past, which is stranger than fiction. Sample dialogue—  
SHIRLEY: Just think, Laverne, of all the history that's been made in this very apartment.  
LAVERNE: (looking down at her bed) Not as much history as I'd like.

Episode Five, "A Folk Tale": Shirley's beatnik friend Myrna (Shelley Long) encourages her to become a folk-singer, but Laverne and Carmine have their doubts. Sample dialogue—  
SHIRLEY: I'll have you know, Myrna thinks I'm as talented as Dylan!  
SQUIGGY: (confused) Matt Dillon don't sing on _Gunsmoke_. 

Episode Six, "Unsettled Score": Laverne's new boyfriend Johnny (John Goodman), the star of the Shotz bowling team, thinks it'd be bad luck to make out before the big bowling tournament, but two weeks is a long time for Laverne to wait. Sample dialogue—  
FRANK: (to Edna) I like this guy. He orders a lot of pizza and beer, and he keeps his hands off Laverne.

Episode Seven, "The Fifth Annual Shotz Talent Show": Lenny wants to do a surf number for their act, but Squiggy insists that the Squigtones have to do "good old-fashioned rock & roll." Sample dialogue—  
LENNY: (from the Michael-McKean-penned "Surfin' the Great Lakes") Well, some say surfin' Superior is the best, but I wish again I could put Michigan to the test.  
SQUIGGY: (spoken deadpan) That's so Erie.  
LENNY: (in falsetto) Erie!

Episode Eight, "The Mourning After": On the first anniversary of Randy Carpenter's death, Laverne claims she's healed and moved on, but the next day she lashes out at everyone during the Valentine's Day party at the Pizza Bowl. It's up to Lenny to get her to open up and make peace with her grief. Sample dialogue—  
LENNY: Just because the person ain't there to love no more don't mean that that love ain't always gonna be a part of you.  
LAVERNE: (drying her tears on Lenny's handkerchief) You know a lot about people, don't ya, Len?  
LENNY: I know a lot about you, Laverne.

Episode Nine, "Carmine's Goldmine": Carmine sells his grandfather's beer recipe to Shotz and expects to make a fortune. But his friends don't like how the promise of success changes him, especially when Lenny, Squiggy, and the girls' jobs are threatened. Attached are test shots of Eddie Mekka in old-age makeup for his appearance as Grandpa Ragusa, and Harry Shearer had agreed to revive his role as the voiceover of Mr. Shotz. Sample dialogue—  
SHIRLEY: Carmine, it pains me to say this, but fame and success have gone to your head like cheap wine.  
LAVERNE: (after taking a sip) Or this lousy beer.

Episode Ten, "A Step Too Close": Mrs. Babish's son Tom (Tom Selleck), by her second husband, visits Milwaukee and gets involved with Laverne, even though they're step-siblings. Sample dialogue—  
SHIRLEY: Laverne, this is a new low, even for you.  
LAVERNE: Shirl, it's not like we're really related and our kids would come out deformed.  
SQUIGGY: (as he and Lenny enter in pig costumes) Hello....  
SQUIGGY: (after hearing about Laverne and Tom) Good God, Woman, this is incense!

Episode Eleven, "A Quarter of a Century, Makes a Girl Think": As Shirley's twenty-fifth birthday approaches, she worries about being an old maid and decides that she should marry Carmine while she has the chance. But he thinks she's after something other than a proposal. Sample dialogue—  
SHIRLEY: Carmine, don't you think it's time we got more serious?  
CARMINE: You mean I won't have to take a cold shower tonight?

Episode Twelve, "Mothra vs. Godzilla": Lenny and Squiggy get into a furious argument about their favorite movie monsters, and it's up to the girls to reconcile them. Sample dialogue—  
SQUIGGY: Be logical, Len. Of course Mothra is better, he's a moth! Godzilla's just a big dumb lizard.  
LENNY: (covering the ears of his stuffed iguana) You didn't hear that, Jeffrey!

Episode Thirteen, "Group Therapy": While on a train to Chicago, Laverne, Shirley, Lenny, and Squiggy share a compartment with psychiatrist Dr. Robert Hartley (Bob Newhart), who finds himself unwillingly drawn into helping them resolve their conflicts. Sample dialogue—  
SHIRLEY: You know, Doctor, you have a very button-down mind.  
DR. HARTLEY: Uh, yeah, I, uh, get that a lot.

[By the second half of the season, the writers had run out of ideas for 1962 to '63, so they moved into '63-'64.]

Episode Fourteen, "Welcome Back, DeFazio": While the girls are visiting Laverne's grandmother in Brooklyn for a couple weeks, Laverne's nerdy cousin Tony (29-year-old Tony Danza cast against type) convinces them to be substitutes at the high school where he's teaching Science during summer school, with Shirley teaching English and Laverne Shop. They have to deal with the troublesome Sweathogs, including a teenage Gabe Kotter (played by 24-year-old Tom Hanks). Meanwhile, Shirley and Tony fall for each other. Gabe Kaplan has a cameo as the school principal. Sample dialogue—  
GABE KOTTER: Up your nose with a rubber hose, Feeney!  
SHIRLEY: Now, now, is that proper grammar? It should be "Up your nose with a rubber hose, Miss Feeney."

Episode Fifteen, "Frankie and a Nut": The gang schemes to help Lenny meet his long-time crush, Annette Funicello, when she and Frankie Avalon are in Milwaukee to promote their first beach party movie. Frankie and Annette appear as themselves. Sample dialogue—  
SQUIGGY: (as Lenny, wearing mouse-ears, is too overcome with emotion to speak) Miss Funijello, this man has loved you since you was one of the Three Mouseketeers.

Episode Sixteen, "Make Me One with Everything": Shirley's beatnik friends (Christopher Guest, Harry Shearer, Rob Reiner, Teri Garr, and Shelley Long) adopt the Pizza Bowl as their new hip hangout at the same time that fiftyish Edna thinks she might be pregnant. (It turns out to be the Change of Life.) Sample dialogue—  
TERI: Birth is such a cosmic experience!  
HARRY: You're still on the Pill though, right?  
TERI: Of course, I'm not stupid.

Episode Seventeen, "The Sisters-in-Law": Shirley's brother Bobby (Ed Begley, Jr.) returns to town clean, sober, and ready to sweep Laverne off her feet. But when he proposes, the girls have mixed feelings about being sisters-in-law. Sample dialogue—  
LAVERNE: (as the sentimental-moment music plays) Aww, Shirl, I already love you like a sister.  
SHIRLEY: Oh, Vernie, I love you, too, whether or not we're related by marriage.

Episode Eighteen, "Out of Your Cotton-Picking Mind": Everything goes wrong when Frank and Edna celebrate two years of wedded bliss, including Lenny and Squiggy giving them "mostly unused" cotton swabs for the cotton anniversary. Sample dialogue—  
EDNA: This is the worst second anniversary I've ever had, and I got divorced from my third husband on one of them!

Episode Nineteen, "Where Were You When?": Everyone is devastated by the loss of President Kennedy, especially Shirley, but she finds she's too sad to cry. Sample dialogue—  
SHIRLEY: Why can't I cry, Vernie? I cry over everything.  
LAVERNE: Maybe that's why. It hurts too much to cry.

Episode Twenty, "A Three-Hour Tour": Lenny and Squiggy hear about the recasting of "the rest" after the first _Gilligan's Island_ pilot, and they think they know the perfect Mary Ann: Shirley Feeney! And of course she's going to need agents, taking ten percent each. Dawn Wells and Bob Denver appear as themselves. Attached are test shots of Cindy Williams in the Mary Ann costume. Sample dialogue—  
SHIRLEY: But, Mr. Denver, don't you worry about typecasting?  
BOB DENVER: (shrugging) I'm sure more people will remember me as Maynard G. Krebs.

Episode Twenty-One, "Beatlemania": Shirley enters herself and Laverne in a contest to meet the Beatles, but the maximum age is sixteen, so when they make the finals, they have to get advice in acting like teenagers from neighbor girl Tracy (played by Tracy Reiner). Attached are test shots of Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams as teen Beatles fans. Sample dialogue—  
LAVERNE: I happen to be Sweet Sixteen and never been kissed. (Her friends laugh hysterically.)

Episode Twenty-Two, "The Sixth No Longer Particularly Annual Shotz Talent Show": As the girls try to convince Edna to emcee when Frank has the flu, Lenny and Squiggy adopt British rock-star personas on and off the stage. Sample dialogue—  
SQUIGGY: Fab, gear, and all that folderol.  
LENNY: Grrrroovy!

Episode Twenty-Three, "Skirting the Issue": Laverne creates a sensation when she wears the first miniskirt on Knapp Street. Sample dialogue—  
FRANK: That's a very pretty blouse, but where are your pants? (Lenny bites his hand and Frank starts to strangle him.)

Episode Twenty-Four, "The Way We Was": Laverne tells Edna in flashbacks about meeting Shirley and the boys twenty years ago. Attached are test shots of Penny Marshall dressed as a 6-year-old tomboy, Shirley as a girly little girl, and Michael McKean and David L. Lander looking like the Little Rascals, complete with a dog with a ring around its eye. Sample dialogue—  
SHIRLEY: Oo, you're so cute! I could just kiss you!  
SQUIGGY: No, Sir! Girls are icky!  
SHIRLEY: I was talkin' to the dog.  
LENNY: You can kiss me, Laverne.  
LAVERNE: How'd you like to kiss my fist?  
LENNY: (shrugging) Well, I guess it's a start.

Episode Twenty-Five, "California, There They Go": Frank announces that he and Edna are selling the Pizza Bowl and opening a new restaurant, in Burbank! Sample dialogue—  
LAVERNE: Poppy, I don't want you to go!  
FRANK: Muffin, I gotta. Aren't you always talkin' about followin' your dreams?  
LAVERNE: No, Pop, that's Shirley.

Episode Twenty-Six, "I Need a Manager": Both Laverne and Shirley fall for the new building superintendent (Harry Hamlin). Sample dialogue—  
LAVERNE: (after a heck of a kiss) Wow, I can see why they call you super!


	2. Season 5.5, Episode 3

"Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bum"  
written by Judy Pioli and Paula A. Roth

  
Scene 1  
[Exterior of the girls' basement apartment]  
CINDY WILLIAMS: (voiceover) _Laverne & Shirley_ is filmed before a live studio audience.  
[Interior of the girls' apartment. Laverne and Shirley are sitting on their couch watching television.]  
WALTER CRONKITE: (voiceover) And so disaster has been averted in the Cuban Missile Crisis.  
SHIRLEY: (as she gets up and turns off the TV) You see, Laverne? President Kennedy knows what he's doing and we're safe.  
LAVERNE: (shaking her head) For the moment. Disaster could still be around the corner.  
SQUIGGY: (as he and Lenny burst through the door, carrying bowling bags) Hello!  
LENNY: Hey, Laverne, you girls wanna go bowling with us tonight?  
LAVERNE: I'm not really in the mood, Len.  
SQUIGGY: (leering) Well, I know what would put you in the mood, Laberne. (Lenny bites his hand, almost dropping his bowling bag on his foot.)  
LAVERNE: Getoutahere!  
SHIRLEY: Boys, this is no time for your sleaze. Well, not that there's ever a good time for your sleaze.  
SQUIGGY: No, but serially, we'll pay for the pizza.  
LENNY: And beer!  
LAVERNE: Guys, my father owns the Pizza Bowl. I can have free beer and pizza any time I want.  
SQUIGGY: Ah, but can you have it with such delectickle company?  
LENNY: Please go, Laverne. It's more fun when it's the four of us.  
SHIRLEY: Maybe we should, Laverne. After all, it's Friday night and we don't have any real dates.  
SQUIGGY: (looking down at himself) What am I, imenagerie?  
LENNY: Nah, I can see ya standin' right there.  
LAVERNE: Guys, I'm just really depressed right now and I don't feel like having fun.  
SQUIGGY: Well, it may not be that much fun. Not when we beat the pants off you girls. (Lenny bites his hand again.)  
LAVERNE: (leaping to her feet) Ha! There's no way you guys are better bowlers than us.  
SQUIGGY: There's only one way to find out.  
LAVERNE: You're on! (Shirley and Lenny look at each other and shrug and smile.)  
  
Scene 2  
[The dining area of the Pizza Bowl, where the foursome are seated at the center table, the girls on Stage Right, the boys on Stage Left. Beer is on the table.]  
LAVERNE: I can't believe we lost.  
SHIRLEY: Everybody has an off night, Vernie.  
FRANK: (coming over to the table with pizza) Laverne, you lost to these two pickleheads?  
LAVERNE: Yeah, Pop, but I didn't even want to play tonight, but Squiggy bet me.  
FRANK: Then you're gonna pay for the pizza and beer. It'll teach you a lesson.  
LAVERNE: (muttering) Thanks, Pop.  
FRANK: (setting down the pizza) You're welcome! (He exits back to the kitchen.)  
LAVERNE: (as the boys start devouring the pizza) And thank you, Shirley, for dragging me out here tonight.  
SHIRLEY: (half defensively, half sympathetically) I wanted to cheer you up.  
LAVERNE: (sourly) Yeah, that worked real well.  
LENNY: (with his mouth full) Why do you need cheering up, Laverne?  
SQUIGGY: (also with his mouth full) Yeah, what's causing your Great Depression?  
LAVERNE: I was watching the news.  
LENNY: (swallowing) With Walter Brennan?  
SQUIGGY: (still with his mouth full) Concrete.  
LENNY: The news was about concrete?  
SHIRLEY: (impatiently) The news was about the Cuban Missile Crisis, which is over now. But Laverne, with her usual pessimism, thinks we're on the verge of World War III.  
LENNY: Hey, we won the first two.  
SQUIGGY: (no longer with his mouth full) Yeah, and even if there is a nucular apocalypso, it's not like you'll be one of the survivors, Laberne, and have to see the world crumble to bits. (Laverne looks even more glum, especially as Big Rosie Greenbaum enters Stage Left.)  
ROSIE: (as she swaggers over) Well, well, well, Shirley and DeFazio, out with Lenny and Squiggy on a Friday night.  
SHIRLEY: (quickly) It's not a date!  
LENNY: Yeah, we're not even gonna try to get nothin' off 'em.  
SQUIGGY: We was just unshellfishly trying to cheer Laberne up out of the goodness of our heart.  
ROSIE: (looking at Laverne) And doin' a bang-up job it looks like.  
SHIRLEY: Laverne's got this silly fear of nuclear war. I mean, not that nuclear war is silly, but worrying about it so much is. (Laverne glares at her.)  
ROSIE: I don't think DeFazio is silly. (The four of them look at her in surprise.)  
LAVERNE: (warily) You don't?  
ROSIE: Well, not about that. The bomb could drop any day. That's why I talked Ogden into putting in a bomb shelter  
SQUIGGY: Don't you live in a apartment?  
ROSIE: We did, but Ogden bought us a house.  
SHIRLEY: You and your doctor husband have a house?  
ROSIE: Yeah, it's a split-level colonial.  
SHIRLEY: (trying not to cry) How nice for you.  
ROSIE: Thanks, Shirl. And now I'm thinking about getting a dog, maybe even having a baby.  
LAVERNE: (seeing Shirley is too upset to speak and wanting to get back at Rosie) How ya gonna tell 'em apart? (The boys laugh heartily.)  
LENNY: Low blow!  
ROSIE: I'm gonna forgive that DeFazio, since I'm the bigger person. (Before Laverne can make the easy comeback, Carmine enters Stage Left.)  
CARMINE: Hi, Everyone. Oh, hey, it's Big Rosie.  
ROSIE: Big Ragoo. How's it shakin'?  
CARMINE: I'm good. How have you been?  
ROSIE: Can't complain. Me and Ogden bought a house.  
CARMINE: Yeah? That's great. Listen, we can catch up in a bit, but I need to talk to Shirley.  
SHIRLEY: You do?  
CARMINE: Yeah, it's about my future. (Everyone looks at him.) Uh, maybe someplace quieter and more private, like the bowling alley.  
SHIRLEY: Of course. (whispering to Laverne) Promise me you won't fight with Rosie in here.  
LAVERNE: (muttering reluctantly) I promise. (Shirley gets to her feet and she and Carmine exit Stage Right, towards the bowling lanes.)  
ROSIE: How about that? Carmine is finally gonna propose.  
LAVERNE: You don't know that.  
SQUIGGY: Yeah, maybe he's gonna tell her he's tired of taking cold showers. (Lenny guffaws.)  
ROSIE: Well, I guess the gutter minds ain't all in the bowling alley.  
LAVERNE: Carmine and Shirley love each other, but I don't think she wants to marry him.  
ROSIE: Well, she's got to realize someday she ain't ever gonna land a doctor.  
LAVERNE: You don't know that either.  
ROSIE: Hey, I'm not criticizin'. Carmine's got a good little body and she could do worse. (She glances at Squiggy, who's obliviously eating pizza. She looks at Laverne again.) At least Shirley has a chance of marrying and having kids before the H-bomb drops.  
LAVERNE: Meaning what?  
ROSIE: Hey, DeFazio, don't be so touchy. I'm not here to pick a fight with you.  
LAVERNE: Oh yeah?  
ROSIE: Yeah, in fact, tell ya what. You and Shirley can share me and Ogden's bomb shelter when the unthinkable happens.  
LENNY: (eagerly) What about me and Squiggy, Rosie? Can we join you?  
SQUIGGY: Yeah, the girls are gonna need someone to repopularize the Earth with.  
LAVERNE: Talk about the unthinkable!  
ROSIE: Hey, DeFazio, it might be your one chance to finally voe-dee-oh-doe.  
LAVERNE: (getting to her feet and pushing her sleeves up) What did you say?  
ROSIE: Come on, DeFazio, everyone knows that even though you're a bimbo, you're a virgin bimbo.  
SQUIGGY: I didn't know that. Did you know that, Len?  
LENNY: No, but I'm always the last to know.  
LAVERNE: (leaning menacingly towards Rosie) You're gonna wish you married a dentist instead of a proctologist.  
ROSIE: (leaning towards Laverne) Oh yeah? (Frank has emerged from the kitchen and he rushes over.)  
FRANK: Hey, no fighting in here!  
LAVERNE: But, Pop!  
FRANK: Go settle it in the ladies', peacefully.  
ROSIE: (sweetly) Of course, Mr. DeFazio. (Laverne glares at her for her hypocrisy but lets her father shoo her after Rosie and into the ladies' room. Frank shakes his head and goes back to the kitchen.)  
SQUIGGY: Damn, that looked like it was gonna be a good catfight.  
LENNY: Maybe they'll fight in there and we can at least see the aftermathematics.  
SQUIGGY: Yeah, that's better than nothin'.  
LENNY: Five bucks on Laverne!  
SQUIGGY: You're on. (They go back to eating pizza.)  
  
Scene 3  
[The ladies' room at the Pizza Bowl, with Rosie and Laverne.]  
ROSIE: Look, DeFazio, I know what's got your panties in a bunch.  
LAVERNE: You mean besides having to look at your stupid face?  
ROSIE: Now is that a peaceful attitude?  
LAVERNE: Listen, Edwina Haskell, you may have my pop fooled but—  
ROSIE: Cool it, DeFazio, I was just gonna say that of course you're worried about dying a virgin.  
LAVERNE: No, I'm just worried about dying!  
ROSIE: Yeah, but you don't wanna die without knowing the joy of making sweet love and becoming a real woman.  
LAVERNE: (heading towards a stall) Excuse me, I gotta puke.  
ROSIE: (ripping off a piece of paper towel from the dispenser) Wait a minute, DeFazio.  
LAVERNE: (reluctantly coming back) What?  
ROSIE: (taking a tube of lipstick out of her purse and writing on the towel) This is the combination to the lock for the bomb shelter. Me and Ogden will be out at the flower show at the Pfister Hotel tomorrow afternoon.  
LAVERNE: (uncertainly) That's nice?  
ROSIE: You can visit the shelter as long as you need, as long as you clean up after. (She hands Laverne the paper towel.)  
LAVERNE: Rosie, I don't wanna see your lousy bomb shelter, now or during World War III.  
ROSIE: Hey, it's a nice, quiet, private place for you to take some desperate guy.  
LAVERNE: (crumpling the towel and throwing it in the trash) I'm not voe-dee-oh-doing in your bomb shelter!  
ROSIE: (shaking her head) What an ingrate! (She exits. Laverne glares after her, then looks in the mirror, a mix of emotions on her face, from anger to fear to temptation. She hesitates and then reaches into the waste basket and plucks out the towel. She shoves it into the front right pocket of her jeans and exits.)  
  
Scene 4  
[Back in the girls' apartment. Laverne is alone and musing on the paper towel. Someone knocks.]  
LAVERNE: (shoving the towel back in her pocket) Who is it?  
LENNY: (offscreen) Me. I've got your bowling ball.  
LAVERNE: Oh, yeah, come on in. (He does, with her bowling ball and his own. He sets them down near the front door and then comes over to sit next to her on the couch.)  
LENNY: You feelin' OK, Laverne? You left so sudden.  
LAVERNE: I don't know, Len, I've got a lot on my mind.  
LENNY: You wanna talk about it?  
LAVERNE: Not right now.  
LENNY: (getting to his feet) OK, whenever you want, I've got a couple ears I'm not using.  
LAVERNE: (smiling up at him) Thanks, Len, you're a good guy. (Her expression changes, as if reappraising him. She gets to her feet and kisses his cheek.)  
LENNY: (putting his hand to his cheek) What's that for?  
LAVERNE: Just for being you.  
LENNY: It's easy for me to be me for you.  
LAVERNE: (thinking that through) Yeah. Hey, Len, are you busy tomorrow afternoon?  
LENNY: You wanna go bowling again?  
LAVERNE: Actually, I was thinking we could go look at Rosie's bomb shelter.  
LENNY: Oo, you wanna break in?  
LAVERNE: That would be fun, but she gave me the combination.  
LENNY: So you girls made up?  
LAVERNE: Would she have given me the combination if we hadn't?  
LENNY: Gee, I guess not. (He goes towards the door and then turns to face her again.) Hey, can Squiggy go, too?  
LAVERNE: (flirtatiously) Do you think we need a chaperone? (His eyes widen and he stumbles on both bowling balls. Laverne comes over and helps him to his feet.) You all right, Len?  
{Written in the margin: _Paula, Michael McK has suggested a "tripping over balls" joke that there is no way we're getting past the censors, or Garry.—Judy}_  
LENNY: Yeah, I'm fine. (He picks up his own bowling ball.) I'll see you tomorrow.  
LAVERNE (as he goes out the door) Bye, Len.  
SHIRLEY: (offscreen) Just what do you think you're doing, Laverne? (The camera pulls back to reveal Shirley sitting on the couch and dressed as an angel.)  
LAVERNE: Wow, Carmine was right, you really are an angel face!  
SHIRLEY: I'm your conscience, Laverne.  
LAVERNE: Shouldn't be sitting on my shoulder?  
SHIRLEY: The couch is more comfortable. Laverne, you can't voe-dee-oh-doe with Lenny in a bomb shelter.  
LAVERNE: OK, it's not the most romantic spot, but it'll do.  
SHIRLEY: Laverne, you've saved yourself all these years. You can't just give yourself to Leonard Kosnowski out of fear of nuclear annihilation.  
LAVERNE: You got a better reason to do it with him?  
SHIRLEY: You don't love him, Laverne.  
LAVERNE: I love him as a friend.  
SHIRLEY: That makes it even worse, because you know he has a crush on you, and you're going to lead him on if you fool around with him.  
LAVERNE: How am I leading on if I'm putting out?  
SHIRLEY: You'll be making him think he has a future with you.  
ROSIE: (as she swaggers through the front door in a devil costume) Not if she tells him that it's because there might not be a future if the bomb drops.  
LAVERNE: (shaking her head) I'm really glad you're not gonna sit on my shoulder.  
SHIRLEY: The bomb is not going to drop, Rosie. And Laverne should not be making life-changing decisions based on fear. (Laverne starts looking back and forth between them, like at a tennis match.)  
ROSIE: It's just a little fun, Shirley, and it's not like she's got a great reputation anyway.  
LAVERNE: Hey, I thought you were on my side!  
ROSIE: I'm on one of your sides, DeFazio, your bad girl side. And I think you should go for it with Kosnowski because he's been crazy about you since high school and he'll do whatever you want. Plus he's got a decent body, if you like 'em tall and lean. (Laverne bites her lip, as if she does like Lenny's body.)  
SHIRLEY: Laverne shouldn't make decisions based on lust either. And Lenny is a very sweet, sensitive boy sometimes, even if he is best friends with Squiggy.  
ROSIE: So at least he'll be gentle her first time.  
SHIRLEY: And what about him being hurt, emotionally?  
ROSIE: (as she swaggers out) Are you kiddin'? He'll probably be thrilled that he finally gets to score with DeFazio.  
CARMINE: (offscreen) Goodnight, Angel Face. And thank you.  
SHIRLEY: (also offscreen) I'm honored that you asked me. (Laverne looks over at the couch, which is now empty. She shakes her head and puts her bowling ball in the closet as we hear Carmine and Shirley kissing offscreen. Laverne goes back to the couch so it won't sound like she was eavesdropping. Shirley enters.) Oh, Laverne, Lenny said you and Rosie made up.  
LAVERNE: Yeah, I realized she makes sense sometimes.  
SHIRLEY: I'm so glad. It just goes to show that people and countries just need to talk things out and then there will be no more wars or fighting.  
LAVERNE: Yeah, it's better to love than to hate. (Shirley beams proudly.) And speaking of, what did Carmine want to talk to you about?  
SHIRLEY: Oh, he's thinking of adding singing lessons to his dance studio, and he wanted my opinion.  
LAVERNE: (both relieved and disappointed that Carmine didn't propose) What did you say?  
SHIRLEY: I think it's a good idea. It won't take much new equipment or room at the studio.  
LAVERNE: You're so sensible, Shirl.  
SHIRLEY: Why, thank you. And you'll see, I'm right about the bomb and everything.  
LAVERNE: Well, if you're not, I won't be around to yell at you. (Shirley laughs but Laverne isn't joking.)  
  
Scene 5  
[Interior of the bomb shelter, including a fold-out couch. It's empty until the door creaks open and Laverne and Lenny enter, closing it behind them.]  
LENNY: Wow, Laverne, this is real cool! And spooky!  
LAVERNE: Are you scared, Len?  
LENNY: Nah, that door looks pretty secure.  
LAVERNE: (standing close enough that she's breathing on his neck) I mean scared to be alone with me.  
LENNY: (nervously) Should I be?  
LAVERNE: (lightly caressing his face) No, it's me, your old pal, Laverne.  
LENNY: So you're not planning to chop my body into little bits and leave me to rot in the bomb shelter?  
LAVERNE: (backing away in both amusement and offense) No!  
LENNY: Good, 'cause I told Squiggy where I'd be and he'll come find me and rescue me if I don't come home in a couple hours.  
LAVERNE: (disappointed) You did?  
LENNY: Yeah, so don't even think about maiming and disremembering me!  
LAVERNE: Maybe we should go.  
LENNY: Hey, I'm kiddin'. I know you would never hurt me, Laverne.  
LAVERNE: (guilty but still wanting to go through with this) You didn't tell Squiggy, did you?  
LENNY: Nah, this sounded like somethin' you wanted to keep on the T.Q.  
LAVERNE: Q.T.  
LENNY: You're quite a cutie yourself.  
LAVERNE: (shaking her head) Let's sit down. (They go over to the couch and sit.) So, Len, what do you think?  
LENNY: I think that this shelter is gonna be real crowded with the six of us, seven if Shirley brings Carmine. Nine if you bring your dad and Mrs. Babish, I mean DeFazio.  
LAVERNE: Yeah, I don't know about spending the nuclear winter with Rosie and Ogden Greenbaum.  
LENNY: Well, at least he's a doctor so he can take care of us when our hair and everything starts falling out.  
LAVERNE: Len, aren't you scared of the hideous mutations?  
SQUIGGY: (opening the supposedly secure bomb shelter door) Hello. (Laverne glares at Lenny.) Lenny, what are you doing here?  
LENNY: Laverne was just showing me the bomb shelter. How'd you get in?  
SQUIGGY: Big Rosie gave me the combination.  
LAVERNE: (now really ticked off) She did?  
SQUIGGY: Yeah, she told me about your little, ahem, problem, Laberne.  
LENNY: What problem?  
SQUIGGY: This is a personnel matter, Lenny. Why don't you run along home?  
LENNY: I'm not running anywhere until somebody tells me what's going on.  
SQUIGGY: Well, pardon me, Laberne, for being in the street about this, but Rosie told me that you want to voe-dee-oh-doe before the Big One.  
LENNY: The big what?  
SQUIGGY: The H-Bomb, the A-Bomb, maybe the Z-Bomb. And Rosie figured DeFazio wasn't gonna find a guy on short notice, so she asked me to do Laberne a favor.  
LENNY: (narrowing his eyes) Oh, I see.  
LAVERNE: Len.  
LENNY: That's real generous of you, Squig, but I was here first.  
SQUIGGY: Oh, well, if you've called dibs, I'm not gonna butt in. And I've got a lot more opportunings than you do.  
LENNY: Thanks, Squig. I'll see you when I get home.  
SQUIGGY: No rush, Len. And congranulations.  
LENNY: Thanks. (Squiggy exits and Lenny looks at Laverne.)  
LAVERNE: Len, I was gonna explain.  
LENNY: Go ahead.  
LAVERNE: I am scared of dying in a nuclear war. I think about all the things I'd miss, never get to do, not just, um.  
LENNY: Voe-dee-oh-doe?  
LAVERNE: Yeah. And I think you're a real special guy and I'd like you to be my first, even if you end up not being my only.  
LENNY: (taking her hand) Laverne, I am super flattered and I wish I could say yes. I really wish I could say yes!  
LAVERNE: Why can't you?  
LENNY: Because if we ever did it, I'd like to think it's leading to a future, not something you cross off your to-do list before you die.  
LAVERNE: (nodding) I understand.  
LENNY: But we could still neck if you want.  
LAVERNE: (amused and affectionate) Lenny!  
LENNY: How about a kiss?  
LAVERNE: OK. (They kiss on the mouth, tenderly.) That was nice.  
LENNY: Can I have another one?  
LAVERNE: OK, but then we should probably go.  
LENNY: You wanna see a movie? There's a new _Godzilla_ out.  
LAVERNE: Heck yeah! (She kisses him enthusiastically and as we go to commercial, it's unclear how much longer they're going to stay or if they're going to go any further.)  
  
Scene 6, The Tag  
[The girls' living room. Shirley is on the couch, writing in her diary.]  
SHIRLEY: (in voiceover) Even though it's Saturday night and we don't have dates, Laverne is in a much better mood than she was last night. She went to a _Godzilla_ movie with Lenny this afternoon and came home saying that radiation isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's not exactly optimism as I know it, but it's still an improvement. And now she's involved with Lenny and Squiggy's latest project. (Cut to the kitchen, where Laverne emerges from the dumbwaiter shaft, wearing a hard hat and overalls.)  
LAVERNE: (yelling up the shaft) See you boys tomorrow.  
LENNY: (offscreen) Thanks, Laverne.  
SQUIGGY: (also offscreen) Yeah, our bomb shelter's gonna make Rosie's look like a disaster area. (Cut back to Shirley, who's writing again.)  
SHIRLEY: (still in voiceover) At least she's planning for the future. 

THE END


End file.
